Even More Hospital Adventures

I had an earache that had lasted for several days and was just unbearable. I could hear nothing out of my left ear, my balance was off, my neck was swollen and the amount of unbelievably stupid shit I was involuntarily doing because of all this was just too much. I had to suck it up and go to the ER. You see, it is much easier to go to the ER than it is to try to call around for 6 hours trying to get an appointment with a physician.

I left work early and got on the subway to Elmhurst Queens to go to Elmhurst hospital. I thought surely on Monday afternoon at 2:00 it would not be that busy. This was one of those unbelievably stupid ass things to do that I was speaking about earlier.

I walked into chaos in the ER as there were no less than 150 people there. And no shit, some of them were just there to hang out. Sort of like a coffee shop but the people watching was to the point of strangely off-the-charts-gross-and-morbid. So much so you just had to watch.

I got there around 2:15 pm. I was not seen until 1:15 the next morning. I know I just had an earache and was terrified of permanently losing my hearing, but I do have to admit there were worse cases there than little ole me. 7 people cut their fingers in unrelated accidents, there was an animal bite (she was a pain in the ass and probably deserved it), some nutties, some pregnant chicks, somebody that got poked in the eye, an allergic reaction, a drug OD, lots of flu-s, a puker, a bad fever that passed out and many many more ailments. Some people showed up right before Prison Break came on and then left right after that. I picked all of this up visually since everything sounded like it was with me in an underwater cave.

So when they literally yelled my name I was up so fast I could have qualified for the Olympics. The usual, put me in a chair behind a cheerful curtain from the 80’s, and then the wait there began.

I have mentioned before the federal HIPAA patient privacy thing that is such a big deal. It is a pain in the ass to everyone having anything to do in the medical field and it is virtually non-existent no matter how hard anyone tries. It’s a pipe dream. Kind of like Free Lunch and Peace on Earth. Everybody wants it and it is a great idea, but it just does not work.

Now for 5 days before this visit I could not hear a bomb going off outside my apartment. Little did I know I was not deaf enough. Be prepared you are going to wish you were blind when you read the following.

I heard someone come in to the space behind the curtain next to me. I thought from the sweet voice and apparent foreign language it was a soft round Spanish lady with a little voice. Then when the doctors came in for questioning, I thought it could have been a whiney kid. It turned out to be a little Asian guy that was there because his asshole was infected. Apparently it had been so for over 3 months. So infected by this point that the doctor immediately got on the hospital intercom and paged Surgery, STAT. Oh, I should mention this little guys name, which I am not going to because I will do what I can to make HIPAA work, but I will say his name was British slang for butt and one of my friends back home works for a Financial institution that is a 2-word name and this is the first word. It starts with F. Bless his little heart!

All of a sudden, after hearing of F's ailment, my ear did not hurt anymore. I had no fear of becoming deaf. I was fixin to leave when the doctor came in to see me and could not see in my ear, gave me a painkiller and then left and came back with a HUGE LONG needle. I looked at him like he was the devil and asked “What the hell do you think you are going to be doing with that?” It was just to get some warm water and medicine in my ear – no injection. I was then informed I had an inner, outer and middle ear infection. He could have just said “your ear is totally fucked up” and I would have bought that with no questions. I think I did tell him those exact words when he asked me what I was in for. He gave me medicine and then my painkiller kicked in and when leaving the ER to exit this living nightmare, I made another discovery – I just might be bilingual.

I passed this Spanish man with a bloody bandage on his foot. As soon as I walked by, the bandage fell off. It looked like he put his foot in a blender. My mouth dropped open, I gasped and pointed to his foot while saying “OH NO, MOOEY BIEN! NO! NO! IT'S NO NO, MOOEY BIEN!” (I am well aware of the incorrectness of the spelling and the Spanish, but I do not claim to be fluent). He looked at me and in perfect English said “PLEASE HELP ME!” and I frantically yelled back “BUT I ONLY HAVE $10!”. The nurse behind me desperately trying to end this conversation said “Oh, no nessicito $10,” and then I looked at her and said “No Habla Espanol”. There was a brief moment of silence between the 3 of us and I slowly backed away and then turned to exit.

Waited on the train in the cold rain for 40 minutes, and then had to wait on another train for 15 minutes at Queensboro Plaza. That place has the best view of the city. Whilst looking at it I was overcome by sadness. Although I am looking forward to moving back to Texas, I will miss this city in the worst way. And yes, lately, it whips my ass on a daily basis, but there is something about being here and living here and struggling here. I will have to visit frequently.