Prison Break Is Adventure Time

Some facts to better understand my plight:

It is November and it is cold.

Yes, it is raining also so it really is quite miserable if you prefer sunny days.

I live in a basement and to get to the backyard, you have to go up the stairs.

There are 3 other buildings like mine, but each has a wall between them, so I cannot see the basement neighbors’ doors or windows, but I can see their yards.

I can see their doors if I shimmy up the wall and look straight down.

My cats have a habit of playing Prison Break, but only when it rains.

When I pop out the back door for a ciggy, they always try to sneak past me and go outside.

The other morning, I made my coffee, found some shoes, grabbed my ciggies and went out to wake up. I took my first puff and swallowed my coffee and then took a big sigh of relief. All of a sudden, I heard a banshee screaming! I am not shitting you, this was a blood curdling screech of anxiety like I have never heard before. I froze with fear and then about 2 seconds later it happened again along with a banging on the door next to ours - the kind of banging that rattles the metal on the doorknobs. I then peed a little, spilled my coffee dropped my ciggy and kicked a plant. I moved so fast I kicked off my flip-flop and it hit me in the face on the way to the ground.

I snuck out in the rain and quietly (yeah right) shimmied up the wall to look down. (How does one shimmy with boobs?) Halfway up I realized it was one pissed cat crying. I thought it was Stray Cat that I had been feeding for months now, but I have never heard him cry like this. I didn’t realize how high the wall was. I have a bad thing with heights. I can be up high and look out all the live long day, but I cannot look straight down. I did. My palms started sweating and I was holding on for my life. When I looked down I saw no other than my cat Elwood, who has NEVER in his entire life been outside. He had been out all night. He saw me and started screaming. I do not think he realized he was standing at the wrong door and I think it weirded him out I looked a tall as I did.

The rain started pouring, I was slipping off the rail and Elwood was screaming at me. The rain washed some mud from my flip-flop-head-injury down in my eye. I started screaming “OOOOHHHHH” and then Elwood would scream and then I would go “OOOOHHHHH” and so on. Did I mention it was 5:45 in the morning?

I ran in and got Clint with my wet t-shirt, mud on my face surrounding my red eye, torn panties from the rail and one flip-flop. I was also still for some reason holding my favorite empty coffee cup. When I told him Elwood was outside, he ran out of bed in his undies and barefooted, in the backyard, we both climbed the fence and he ran past all the windows and grabbed Elwood who does not like to be held unless he wants to, so he whipped Clint’s ass until he handed him to me and then he proceeded to whip my ass until we got in the house. He went straight to the shit-box, did his stuff and then went to the kitchen and ate so much Deli Cat he puked.

Clint said he heard a cat crying and a loud banging all night long.

I am not fit to be a Mother.