Special Exemption Ricki

This is the story of my flight to Texas.

December 30, 2006

I was angry. I had the shittiest of a shitty holiday season, people were mad at me for gifts and I had ZERO tolerance for anything.

I had to pay $25 at the ticket counter because the new piece of luggage I bought 2 days prior was 15 pounds over limit. And one wheel had broken off. Of course my other bag was 25 pounds under the limit but they said I could not take the time to shift things.

The flight from Laguardia had taken off late and then when I connected in Atlanta they taxied around the airport so long I thought they were just driving me to my Mom's house in Fort Worth. When we did finally drove up to the gate, the pilot announced if we were making a connection there would be a Ticket Agent at the gate to direct us to where we needed to be.

I got off the plane and I was at the very back so I was last and then there was an airline employee behind the desk rummaging around while I and a few other passengers just looked at each other waiting patiently. We waited so politely and long that the crew came off the jet I was on. The guy walked from behind the counter and went and started talking to some stewardesses. Rage quickly ran through my veins and I said "Buddy! Wha cha doin?!" He asked what I meant and I said we were all waiting to be told where our connections were. Well, mine was in another terminal at the far back of that terminal and I had about 2 minutes to get there. I asked him to call them and he said there were some other passengers on their way and the plane would wait. Cool. Last plane to DFW by the way.

I got there in about 6 minutes and I figured I had 2 choices.

1. I could pee.
2. I could have a ciggy.

This was a no-brainer. I could pee on the plane so I had myself a smoke and waltzed into my gate. I was informed they were holding the plane for me. Cool. That's so damn nice!

The plane took off and we hit turbulence. Minor, but the 'Fasten Your Seat belt' sign was still on. I had to go. Bad. Everyone was still seated

Finally the crew started moving around and began to pull out the beverage cart. Shit. I knew if that was coming out I was going to be trapped somewhere. So I got up and proceeded to go to the Ladies Room. The stewardess stopped me. She appeared to be angry too and I thought for a brief moment we could share some camaraderie. Not the case.

Stewardess: Ma'am. The captain has yet to turn off the fasten your seat belt sign. You need to go sit back down.

Ricki: I am aware of that Ma'am. But I can either piss in there or piss in my seat.

Stewardess (real angry now): Well it is my job to tell you.

Ricki: Oh. Good job.

I just knew when I stepped out there was going to be an Air Marshall waiting for me, ready to throw me off the jet at the current 35,000 feet cruising altitude. Luckily Stewardess was angry at someone else now, there was a line at the bathroom (all fellow LGA - ATL passengers), the fasten your seat belt sign was still glowing red and the captain was giving a weather report.
All was well.

I think I have figured out why I never married.