Esther Coleman Is Free, Hematomas, Failure As 007 and What The Hell Is Going On?

My hospital stay was an adventure, as usual. I was in the ER since Sunday night. The first night in my room, I looked up to find out Esther Coleman’s meds flowing through my veins - with her 11/23/1967 birthday and all her other pertinent information still on the label. I got a dirty look when I asked. I got lots of dirty looks when I ask about anything in the hospital. It’s just I am the differential in just about every case – low Pulse Ox, low temperature, different thyroid levels, etc. and I have to know what is going in my body because I am not a textbook case. One price to pay for being unique.

HIPAA violations flying around outside my room like pigeon shit in Rome.

I have bruises all over my arms from IVs and needle stuff. I look battered, but there is this one cool bluey/blackey color that I wish I had a pair of shoes to match. Or a nice bra. Yeah. That’s the ticket.

Anyway, all is better. I am not contagious, I am just gross for a while. Ask my friend Anne - I am probably the worst hospital patient in all the world ever anyway, but I try to be nice about it.

For the first time in my life, my 007 skills failed me at every turn. Every time I tried to sneak down the hall – especially Monday night to watch 24 I got busted. I did manage to move my bed and rig the TV and get the bed moved back so I could watch it. I just didn’t want to spend $12 a day for basic cable. I tried to sneak off and get a shower and got busted. I got dressed and tried to go across the street for sushi and got busted. I got busted trying to use a computer last night. That was the bad bust because they busted me hiding by the trash can under the desk. I said I dropped something. But then I charmed my way into him letting me use it for 15 minutes. Anyway, I can break into a door by using a Metro Card, I can create subtle diversions and I do have that Southern sweet charm thing going on and I must say my skills failed me due to me trying to literally cover my ass in that ugly yet super-soft hospital gown, all the cords in my arm and being tired and bitchy.

And after all these years, my family still tells me nothing. When my mom got married I just happened to call and Mamaw told me she was down at the courthouse. I asked if she was paying a ticket and she said “Oh, No, Honey. She’s down there with Mark and they are getting married.” Niki didn’t tell me when she was due with Jason until after everyone else knew. I know I am a righteous chick and I say what I think, but I don’t have the energy to whip anyone’s ass right now, so why all the fear of Ricki? Kneehole, I am happy for you but what the hell? My Space? Good thing I am not mobbed up more than I am because I am getting no respect. Fucking, Fredo. “I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” Not that bad, but I do love you, Niki.