Nerves, Winter, Old Friends, Sale, Bad Break Up, The Past

I am a bundle of nerves lately. I have become like my Momma and I am worrying about everything and everybody right now. Normally I preach "If you can't help it, then don't worry. It does no good". I feel like Atlas carrying around the weight of the world on my shoulders. I find it hard to do what is best for me sometimes.

I walked outside today and there appeared to be a mild grade blizzard going on outside my apartment. But, it subsided like 5 minutes later and now it is just bitter cold and windy.

I am so happy my old friends have been contacting me with anticipation of my upcoming move. Makes me feel all special.

I am selling all my stuff before my move and in going through it all, I am amazed at the stuff I cannot part with. Most notably, the 75 pounds of rocks which I illegally took from the beach in San Diego. I did not know it was against the law to take them until Rodney was scared I was going to get arrested at the airport at 6:00 in the morning when I had to repack my luggage because I had all the rocks in one bag and it weighed about 125 pounds. I flew from San Diego to Dallas and from Dallas to LaGuardia. I guess I figure if I took the trouble of hand picking them off the beach and flying them cross country, then I can drive them back to Fort Worth. No problem. I also cannot part with my snowman coffee cups or my Christmas ornaments. Or Halloween witch. Definitely not my Italian red enamel colander. Probably not my kitchen magnets. But, I am selling the dishes I purchased in October.

I am really sad today. Not to get all Carrie Bradshaw-y on y'all, but seriously, leaving this city is like a bad break up for me. It whips my ass on a daily basis, I am literally surrounded by a million people at any given time but I am always lonely, it is expensive, unrelenting, unforgiving, rude, fast, deceiving, wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire, and always on alert for some kind of disaster waiting to happen in which they are never prepared for and would never alert the public of. I mean they are supposed to protect us from hurricanes and terrorist attacks, but when it rains the subway cannot even run right, so I don't know. But, today I was thinking of how beautiful Lincoln Center is outside The Opera House at night in the summer with some Mr. Softee ice cream and the fountain, I thought of the countless hours I have spent wandering around The Met, my apartment as it grows empty, one person in particular I will probably never see again and I was overcome with something that was very near grief. I also have PMS which I am sure has something to do with everything at the moment.

The past is such a strange concept. The past is the past and you cannot change it. It does however affect where you are in the present and the decisions you will likely make in the future when using the past as a reference point. But the past is not who you are, it is who you were. I had a discussion with a friend tonight about a relationship she had that ended badly in the distant past. They recently, well hooked up again, and it ended badly once more. She was always very real about the bad things that happened between them in the distant past, but always pointed out here were times when they were very happy and had she carried several fond memories too. But with this recent split, she said that he pretty much fucked up the fond memories of the distant past with his recent behavior. That is quite a fete - I have had men fuck up my present tense and destroy all future thoughts of them, but I have never had one destroy all memories of him from the past. That I know of - I tend to put those thoughts completely out of range. So it may have happened and I just don't remember. Probably. Fanky reminds me I remember everything.

I am mentally spent and I do not have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve. When I get to Texas, I will probably sleep for a week. Oh, catching some sweet sweet zzzzz's.