My Story

So, this weekend I started SERIOUSLY writing a book. I was going to cook and do the whole Thanksgiving thing, but I have decided to hole-up and not come out of the room for 4 days and see how much I get done. I watched 2 crappie movies this past weekend and I figured if those stories could make it, then so could mine.

Anyone know a publisher?

Booty Smacks

Isis tried to get out again this morning. I had no choice but to give her a little whippin. Unfortunately, she thought they were Booty Smacks and she purred the whole time. There is just no way to discipline this kitty cat.

At least she doesn't hate me. Fortunately, she thought they were Booty Smacks and purred the whole time.

The Power of Shamu

I love my cats. I mean it, I love them like a son of a bitch, but they have been soooooo bad lately.

Not only have they been playing Prison Break every time they get a chance, they have also been very brave in pushing my buttons lately.

Elwood loves turkey.
Isis loves ice cream.

The other night I was eating a turkey sandwich and Elwood reaches up and swoops in with his paw and swipes 1/2 the turkey from my sandwich in one swift move. I said "Elwood - go on - get!" After he ate that he did it again. It was time to literally whip out the Big Gun.

I have a water gun in the shape of Shamu, the Killer Whale from Sea World. I filled it with cold water and when I sat back down he went in for more turkey and I shot him with it. He ran off. He came back 5 minutes later and tried again. I shot him again. He jumped straight up, hit his head on the table, for sure got a concussion, made me feel like a complete shit-bitch, fell over and shot out of the room and all under 1.75 seconds. The next 20 minutes was spent trying to get him out from under the bed, making up, sweet petting and then a nice Russian Brushin' which he loves. (Russian Brushin' = when I don't have time to brush them when I am getting ready of a morning, but I do anyway - just real fast.)

Later, I came back to the kitchen and got some Chocolate Bread Pudding I made the other night and topped it off with some Vanilla ice cream. As I was eating it, Isis comes up to me and stars licking the ice cream out of the bowl. I grabbed Shamu and shot her with it. She gave me a dirty look, turned on her side while never taking her eyes off me, licked where I shot her and then got up and licked my ice cream again. I shot her again and she just stared at me. She couldn't have given a shit about Shamu. She laughed in Shamu's face.

So now the plan is to discipline Elwood with Shamu and Isis with the vacuum. Odds are, I will roll the vacuum over the Shamu arsenal and get electrocuted and my cats with have to eat my corpse when they run out of Deli Cat until someone finds me.

Gifts

I am the Creative Gift Goddess. I wish I had more money and I could fully unleash the Creative Beast within me. For now, she will just be a tamer version of a matriarchal warrior huntress silently stalking out her prey and biding her time for the kill.

I think I would like a punching bag for my birthday. And some nice red gloves.

Mark Darcy

Colin Firth is filming on my street today. Colin Firth! I saw him this morning drinking coffee on the step of his trailer and I almost fell and busted my ass, thanks to wobbly jello legs. He will be filming until about midnight tonite, but, alas, I am going out with a friend, which is more important, because I am one hell of a stand-up chick. Colin Firth!

He is one Hot-Ass-McGee . . . .

Almost Postal

I thought I was going to implode on my train home last night.

OK, for the record, I am normally a pretty nice, helpful, understanding and compassionate person. Yesterday, I happened to not be any of those things.

First of all, I had to take the 7 and transfer to the N. The 7 smells funny and those 7-people do not know how to act. They try to eat soup and noodle on the damn train. Who the hell does that?! The 7-people I guess. Noodle. For those that are not familiar with Noodle, it is not a bunch of noodles, it is one big long noodle that has just been cut a few times. Nothing like sitting by a guy trying to eat Noodle and having him fling super-hot broth on you while he slurps on his Noodle.

Then I get to Queensboro Plaza and they just don't let people off the train before they get on it. Just doesn't make a lot of sense.

Got on the N. There was a lady on there that was obviously foreign . The train was going Express, which means it does not stop at every regular stop. First of all, she got on the damn train without knowing where it was going. Only idiots do that. Would you get on a train and then ask where it was going? No, I didn't think so. She had to get off at the 36th Street stop and she kept asking these 2 Irish guys and they kept telling her the same thing - that this train is Express and it will not stop there but they would help her when we got to Astoria Blvd. When we did pass 36th Street she started shreiking "36! 36! 36!" like that was indeed the sign of the devil and it was not by any means 6 6 6.

While all this is going on, I look across from me and there is this Eastern Injun guy with bubble wrap (I am sure you see where this is going). He kept popping it and I looked at him with my best "I am not taking any shit from you and I know people that can whip your ass" look and just shook my head no. He briefly stopped and then gave me an evil smile and then started doing it again while staring straight at me. "Pop pop pop pop pop." Yes, I would guess him to be about 53 years of age. Stupid Fucker.

So, I seriously thought I was going to stand up and start screaming in the manner of Greased Up Deaf Guy from Family Guy - just being all crazy and shit. But I held my composure - I will not go out like that.

Prison Break Is Adventure Time

Some facts to better understand my plight:

It is November and it is cold.

Yes, it is raining also so it really is quite miserable if you prefer sunny days.

I live in a basement and to get to the backyard, you have to go up the stairs.

There are 3 other buildings like mine, but each has a wall between them, so I cannot see the basement neighbors’ doors or windows, but I can see their yards.

I can see their doors if I shimmy up the wall and look straight down.

My cats have a habit of playing Prison Break, but only when it rains.

When I pop out the back door for a ciggy, they always try to sneak past me and go outside.

The other morning, I made my coffee, found some shoes, grabbed my ciggies and went out to wake up. I took my first puff and swallowed my coffee and then took a big sigh of relief. All of a sudden, I heard a banshee screaming! I am not shitting you, this was a blood curdling screech of anxiety like I have never heard before. I froze with fear and then about 2 seconds later it happened again along with a banging on the door next to ours - the kind of banging that rattles the metal on the doorknobs. I then peed a little, spilled my coffee dropped my ciggy and kicked a plant. I moved so fast I kicked off my flip-flop and it hit me in the face on the way to the ground.

I snuck out in the rain and quietly (yeah right) shimmied up the wall to look down. (How does one shimmy with boobs?) Halfway up I realized it was one pissed cat crying. I thought it was Stray Cat that I had been feeding for months now, but I have never heard him cry like this. I didn’t realize how high the wall was. I have a bad thing with heights. I can be up high and look out all the live long day, but I cannot look straight down. I did. My palms started sweating and I was holding on for my life. When I looked down I saw no other than my cat Elwood, who has NEVER in his entire life been outside. He had been out all night. He saw me and started screaming. I do not think he realized he was standing at the wrong door and I think it weirded him out I looked a tall as I did.

The rain started pouring, I was slipping off the rail and Elwood was screaming at me. The rain washed some mud from my flip-flop-head-injury down in my eye. I started screaming “OOOOHHHHH” and then Elwood would scream and then I would go “OOOOHHHHH” and so on. Did I mention it was 5:45 in the morning?

I ran in and got Clint with my wet t-shirt, mud on my face surrounding my red eye, torn panties from the rail and one flip-flop. I was also still for some reason holding my favorite empty coffee cup. When I told him Elwood was outside, he ran out of bed in his undies and barefooted, in the backyard, we both climbed the fence and he ran past all the windows and grabbed Elwood who does not like to be held unless he wants to, so he whipped Clint’s ass until he handed him to me and then he proceeded to whip my ass until we got in the house. He went straight to the shit-box, did his stuff and then went to the kitchen and ate so much Deli Cat he puked.

Clint said he heard a cat crying and a loud banging all night long.

I am not fit to be a Mother.

Ostin Torre

Clint’s friend Phillip had been staying with us for a bit until he found a place in NYC. He is from Perth and is way cool – Professional Photographer, Musician, super-cool guy. We watched Nip Tuck and some other cool stuff and my cats liked him.

He spent his first Celebratory Halloween with us and we carved pumpkins, decorated, and took some pictures. The he went to the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade and then went and met Kiss. They signed his boots.

He moved out Thursday – he found a place with Consuelo – like J. Lo.

We miss Phillip.