Tejas & Christmas

Saturday I leave for Texas. I am so excited. This city is whippin my ass lately and I am ready to go back to whence I came from. But not for good.

I hate Christmas. Loathe it, really. Bad things have always happened around Christmas or on it to be exact. This is sad because my most fond memory ever was @ Christmas time.

I am definately in the wrong place for someone that does not care for Christmas. Everybody wants to be in New York for Christmas. I used to want to be in New York for Christmas. This city thrives on it. The windows, the tree, the singing, the ice skating, the pretty bows on the pretty packages, the happy couples shopping, the tourists in a perpetual state of lost (and always in front of me) and all the fucking holiday cheer. This place eats, drinks, sleeps, and shits Christmas. I am so fed up. I am queezed.

The human race should always be so charitable, cheery, giving and thoughtful all year long. Now, don't get me wrong. I am all for celebrating the birth of Jesus, but why does it have to be so commercial. The true meaning is all but a distant memory after the thought of the big sale at Macy's.

I will not give up. No, I won't. Someday I will have a decent Christmas again. And I will keep decorating, cooking, shopping and giving bums my change even though I know they are faking it until then and forever more.

I do have several things to look forward to after Texas:

1. A New Job
2. Writing is coming along
3. 3 Week European vacation with some cheap airfares to St. Petersburg, Berlin, Luxor, Florence and Paris. Plus London and Reyjavik. Plus some other cool stuff.
4. That's about it really.

Travel Plans

I have decided to make some travel plans for the first half of 2007.

I am going to Texas in January. I am afraid I have to hole-up and get my writing done, so no running around and not much fun. I am determined. I realize I could stay in New York and do this, but I need to do it on Texas soil, and that's all I have to say about that.

In April I will be going to London for a bit and then maybe somewhere else in Europe, but that is up in the air for right now. I would LOVE to see Paris again, but there are so many places I haven't seen yet. Speaking of which, I will get to see a tiny bit of Iceland as my plane has a 17-hour connection in Reykjavik. It was a good fare, so what the hell.

Later this year I would really like to go to Thailand and I believe a trip to New Orleans may be planned - just for the girls.

Upcoming Movies

Here is my list of want-to-see movies that are coming out soon.

Pan’s Labyrinth
http://www.panslabyrinth.com/

Hannibal Rising
http://media.movies.ign.com/media/566/566933/vids_1.html

The Painted Veil
http://wip.warnerbros.com/paintedveil/

The Reaping
http://pdl.warnerbros.com/wbmovies/thereaping/trailer_500.mov

300
http://pdl.warnerbros.com/wbol/uk/movies/300/300_tlrf2_qt_500.mov

Hot Fuzz
http://www.workingtitlefilms.com/trailers/hotfuzz_trailer_large.php

Venus
http://www.venus-themovie.com/

Children of Men
http://www.childrenofmen.net/

Miss Potter
http://www.weinsteinco.com/

Das Parfum
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0396171/trailers-screenplay-E29702-10-2

So Easily Queezed, So Little Time

I am amazed at how easily queezed I am lately. I feel like an active volcano waiting to spew.

Here are some examples:

1. I got pissed off at a lady whose face I accidentally blew smoke in. When she waved her hand to shoo it away, I mouthed off "Yeah, OK, we are only outside. Maybe if you are lucky I can go find the 1 square foot of space in this city not being occupied by anyone and I am sure it will be where a bum is pissing. I'm gonna get pissed on by a homeless man, bless his heart, who does not get his proper intake of water everyday, so I am sure his piss is dark yellow and reaks of barley and hops, but anything for you. Selfish Complainer."

Was I wrong? Without a doubt. I smoke and I don't like to get smoke blown in my face. I won't smoke in the Atlanta airport because I detest the fact that it smells like Bingo, but for some reason this chick pissed me off.

I need to quit smoking and I am sure I will not be happy about it. For the Love of God, just let me enjoy this vice before I know it has to end.

2. Key Food did not have my yogurt. I am trying to end another vice and let off the Rice Krispy Treats to eat a little healthier. What the fuck am I supposed to eat if you do not have my one brand of 1 particular flavor in stock? Apples and shit?! They ruined everything.

3. There was an empty seat beside me on the subway. Somebody sat there. Just beacuse there is an empty seat does not mean you have to plant your ass there. Just because it was the ONLY empty seat does not mean it was an invitation. Yes, I know he walked with a cane, but how do I know he really needed it and it was not his weapon of choice? Bless his heart.

4. Broadway Musicals. I am aware I was in choir for 4 years in High School and I was the Secretary and I couldn't wait to see every show that came out, but musicals really shit me these days. Why can't you just say what you mean? Why do you have to sing it like some big happy ass? Why have I paid thousands of dollars in the course of my life thus far to view this? All except Les Miserables. Don't you dare say anything bad about Les Mis in front of me. I love that show. And opera. I like Opera too for some reason and they are happy asses singing in a different language, although, it usually turns out tragic.

5. Girls that don't like chocolate. What do I care if they don't like it? All the more for me, but it just makes me mad lately.

Besides being easily queezed, I am also easily moved to weep lately. The following are example:

1.) Diamonds Are Forever commercials. Maybe it's because I am so damn happy for them. Maybe it's because I don't have a diamond.

2.) The Christmas Tree lights. Always has.

3.) The Cowboys playing a game. I think I am overcome with Pride for my people.

4.) Not exactly spilled milk, but spilled half and half. I wanted my coffe and it was the last of it.

5.) My favorite t-shirt has a huge hole in it that covers, or in this case, doesn't cover at all, my entire left boob.

And finally, thoughts that make me laugh out loud by myself on the subway and make people steer clear of me because I may or may not be wearing my favorite t-shirt with a hole that does not cover my left boob, that makes them assume I may be homeless and may start pissing on the empty seat beside me all while singing the entire score of The H.M.S. Pinafore.

1. Playing Mad Libs with Kneeholeon. Smoked NAACPs . . . .

2. Fanky and I coasting all the way from McGee Park to 7-11 when we ran out of gas that time.

3. The lady that tripped for 5 minutes at Burger's Lake. (True story, Y'all.)

4. Cargill rolling a log and choking on it. Devin and Joe and I could not help him because we were laughing so hard.

5. Anne and I losing all our money in Shreveport in 20 minutes, and having to write a hot check with a huge tip added to it at The Hot Biscuit on the way home.

6. Playing Ninja with Kathy and Karen.

Welcome to my life.

Should be back to normal soon enough.

Bubbles (This is NOT Michael Jackson's Monkey)

A few months ago on my MySpace blog, I shared a story of bizare proportions regarding the ocean of bubbles flowing from my toilet.

Well, it happened again last night and I have written the following letter to post in the entry way of my apartment building.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


Dearest Neighbors:

Please do not use regular dish soap in the dishwasher. When you do, the bathroom in the Basement Apartment fills up with bubbles from floor to ceiling that magically erupt from the toilet.

As neat as this is for me, it does weird-out my cats.


Thanks so much!



Ricki

Basement Apartment

Satan’s Most Diabolical Trio

Snap. Crackle. Pop. Seemingly innocent but these bastards are evil in the purest form. They may look all little and elf-like, but the malevolence emoting from their cute little heights is as boundless as the ocean.

Other than Ed Norton looking all hot and shirtless, what could be more tempting on a cold Saturday afternoon after decorating the tree and halls, than watching Forrest Gump and eating a few homemade Rice Krispy Treats?

I got all the ingredients, made a pan of these tantalizing goodies and then laid on the couch under the lights of the Christmas Tree to watch my movie. Forty-five minutes later I find myself reaching into an empty pan. Basically, in a nutshell, I devoured 5 ½ cups of cereal, 1 bottle of Marshmallow Fluff and ½ stick of butter, and my God, I just wanted more more more! I swear, my mind was working like the Tell Tale Heart. I couldn’t think of anything else. The only thing I could do was take a nap and then I had nightmares about their friends at the Keebler Bakery Treehouse.

I had to blame something. For a moment, I was actually wishing somebody would knock me up so these PMS symptoms would subside for a few months. But then I would have to deal with all the puking and crying and then the pain of birth and then be tied down for 25+ years and I just decided to go and make another pan. I WAS STRESSED DAMMIT!

Texas In January

Think I am going home for a week to pet-sit the first full week of January. Should be fun. Maybe I can get some writing done.

How Bout Them Cowboys!

Went to the Giants/Cowboys game Sunday. It was great! Colder than a witch's tit (I don't know what that means), but it was fun!

Cowboys won in the last 6 seconds of the game which was great for me. I took Andy (my British Scientist friend) and he had never been to a Cowboys game before, let alone with a girl from Texas, and I think he was a little surprised at my enthusiastic reactions and sports opinions. I am very thankful there were some of My People sitting a few rows back from me.

It is always amazing to me the philosophy of some Sports fans. Here are some words of wisdom I picked up that day.

On the bus ride before the game even started:

Life is too short to pull up your pants (What does that mean?)

There are so many seagulls around the stadium because they mistake concrete for the ocean. (Yeah buddy - I hope one shits on your head - if you were a bird, I think you would mistake concrete for the ocean. You would be the only bird to mistake concrete for the ocean. Silly Wanker.)

You cannot bring in a bag because you cannot bring in bags. (Well, that explains it.)

After Half Time and Giants Stadium ran out of beer:

[Screaming at the top of his lungs because he was a Giants fan and they were in The Red Zone and it said ‘Quiet Please’ on the screen across] “Shut the Fuck Up People! Quiet Dammit! Sit Down!” Yes. We all needed him to police that.

[Same Guy after the 2 Minute Warning] “Take your time! Time doesn’t matter! Just take your time! Time doesn’t matter!” over and over again for the whole remaining 2 minutes which felt like a million years. Funny thing is, the Cowboys kicked a winning Field Goal and it left 1 second on the clock. So at that point, time really didn’t matter, the Cowboys had won it. Fucking Genius, that man was.

And an important lesson learned by experience that day:

Never not pee before getting on a bus.