300, Recipes, Spring and Walking at 3:30 am

I got 300 from Boot Leg Lady the other day. It only got ** from the critics, but I have to tell you, I enjoyed it. It has something for everyone, except for maybe kids. Unless you want to teach them to be Spartan warriors. For those that like chicks, there are more tits than a milk farm sees in a day. For those that like guys, well, you are in for some eye candy. Gerard Butler's ass shot is incredible. I mean, guys will wish they had that ass, girls will want to slap that ass, and if you are just not into asses at all, it is still there just begging for booty smacks. Like when you see the perfect form on ancient statues, how you just want to reach up and run your fingers over them? Am I the only one that wants to do this? Hollywood did take some liberties with the history, but the visual effects are nothing short of stunning. The Persians remind me more of Egyptians, but still cool to look at. Lots of shiny things to look at.

I have started a recipe blog. http://wigwamcookin.blogspot.com/ If you want to contribute to it, send me your e-mail address and you may add to it at any time. The more the merrier. Come on, Y'all - everybody likes food! And if you don't, I am really of no use to you.

Spring is FINALLY here in The Big Apple and it is high time. Perfect weather today. Just perfect.

Couldn't sleep at all last night due to the headaches my Prednisone is giving me so I had to walk down to The Store of Bad Habits at 3:30 last night and get some Tylenol PM. It is a whole different world here in the middle of the night. You can hear the lights hum, literally imagine Monster Trucks, hear your own footsteps and feel your senses heighten. Good thing I didn't grow up here in my 20's or my experimental drug days would have been a whole other story in a much more freakish way.

Texas, Boot Leg Lady, Feta, Cat Butt & The Dallas Mavericks

Lots of goings on lately.

Back in the great Lone Star State, Anne is camping this weekend. I am a full-on-nature-chick, but I don’t camp. I mean, I-like-dirt-and-most-bugs-and-animals-flock-to-me-like-I-am-Snow-White kind of full-on-nature-chick. I prefer toilets, showers, beds and comfort though. My ideal camping trip would be to hang with the peeps at the campfire and go fishing and hiking and cataloguing during the day and then when I am drunk enough to pass out, I would have a driver come and take me to the hotel down the road. Now that, is camping to me. Then he can bring me back to the sight in time for bacon and eggs. Anyway, I hope she has a good time. She is good with stuff like that.

Kathy and Brett are having their wedding celebration tonight. I wish I could be there. I am really happy for her and it is a LONG time coming. She said something so funny to me about 3 years ago that was said out of complete love and caring to cheer me up when I was having Man Trouble. She said “Ricki, don’t worry. Brett and I have been together for 18 years and I am no closer to getting married than you are.” I trust her so much that she is the only girl I would let see My Thing. Because she is fixin to be my doctor, Y’all.

Tonight is also Michael McCabe’s birthday celebration, which I also wish I was going to be there for. So, Happy Birthday Michael! Have a great time and throw one back for me.

Clint is in Virginia with his new interest this weekend. He is spending the day at this nation’s Capital, which should be cool for him since he is foreign and all.

I paid a quick visit to Boot Leg Lady. It sounds like she is crippled, but she isn’t. She sells copied DVDs and recordings of new movies out. Yes, it is not the most legal thing to do, but movies are $12 here at all times, so I cannot afford to go and see everything I would like to see. 2 people here go to the movie and if you get 2 drinks and share popcorn and a piece of chocolate, it is over $50. So, I am seeing a few for $5, although the quality is not top notch. Anyway, I am happy with it. It looks like it is going to rain.

After years of making Greek Salads in my Greek neighborhood, I have finally figured out what kind of Feta to buy. You see, when you go into a Greek market, you go to the back of the store and think you are going to simply walk out with a hunk of Feta. The truth of the matter is, you go to the back of the store and there are no less than 20 different grades of Feta and 6 other kinds of goat cheese. The picture above is of the store around the corner from me and the guy that, seriously, cuts my cheese, and a chick that works the front. So let me save you some trouble. For those back home, go to the Greek import market on Lower Greenville. Just ask for Dodonis Feta. There. I have just saved you years of research, about a dozen trips to the bathroom and dozens of funky tasting Greek salads that just weren't quite right.

I was in such a deep sleep today, Elwood flopped on my head with his cat butt and I didn’t even know. I woke up and stretched and jumped, cuz, wow! There it was! Fanky said if you get Cat Butt in your eye, you die. It wasn’t exactly touching my eye, so I am quite confident I am going to be just fine. Unless the Mavericks lose again. Then I am just gonna lose my shit.

Asthma, Positive Thinking, Interviewing and A Ham Sand Bitch

Well, I have been to the hospital twice in one week for Asthma. The first time it was heat induced which you can read about in my previous blog. The day before yesterday it was for a different reason entirely.

I am a pretty smart chick, but I am the first to admit I can do some dumb shit. Asthma is generally triggered by these top things: Smoking (check), Cats or Dogs (check), Dust (check) and Pollen (check). I was not working Wednesday and felt compelled to rearrange my room. Dust everywhere. I then noticed my cat Elwood was beginning to shed his Winter coat. I decided a bath was the best thing to do to keep the cat hair from bothering my asthma. Between the cat hair and the steam and the major ass-whippin my cat gave me through his bath time splendor, I could not breathe. At all. I made it to the back yard and managed to dial 911. It took the paramedics 15 minutes to get there and took me 14 minutes to make it to the front of the house. Pajama pants, t-shirt, no bra, no shoes, no keys, all the lights and the TV on and a soaking wet but v. clean and good smelling cat all over the couch and the coffee pot on. It was pretty bad because both paramedics were working on me with the oxygen and the IV and all the stats. They normally hang out and ask a bunch of questions. They also had the sirens blaring the whole way to the hospital which they never do.

I have been trying to use the power of positive thinking lately and I have to say it works. I thought positive things the whole time. My Pulse Ox is a 98 when I am normal. It was 92 on the way to the hospital. 20 minutes after I got to the hospital it was 100% for the first time I can remember.

I had to call Clint and tell him if he went home I was not kidnapped as everything was up for grabs. He got so upset and he came home and bitched and told me I needed to quit smoking and I didn’t know everything and I thought I did and people from my old job he told were going to call me the next day and on and on,so I just didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. I know he was only doing that because he loves me, but the presentation was just wrong. The next morning he came in and tried to talk to me and said I better not be holding a grudge and on and on and I, with my positive thinking and not a morning person, told him to go to work or I was positively going to kick his ass and NOBODY better call me that day. Last night we hashed it out and all is well.

I had an interview for a big-time position at Viacom today in Corporate Communications. The guy I would be working with is the coolest guy ever! I am really wanting to own this job. I’d be working with the press and special events. Money is good and benefits rock.

I just got a free ham sandwich. Free lunch is a good way to end the work week. By the way, if I get the job at Viacom CC, then I get free breakfast and lunch every day. Whoo Hoo!

Life is good Y’all!

Ooch

Below is a video of a little kid getting hit during a football game. Let us discuss a few points on this matter.

First of all, hello. What is Kiddie doing on the sidelines of a football game in the first place? Football players do not notice it, but back in the days of being Mascot on the sidelines, it can be a scary place. Fortunately, Ricki never got hit by a football player or a football. In the very first game, she got hit in the head with a tuba from the opposing team’s band. And that is why she avoided wearing the 10 pound lion’s head whenever possible for the rest of her duration as Pete. And that is all I have to say about that.

Secondly, I am really thankful that Kiddie was not hurt. But, I must point out, it was rather funny about the third time seeing that big burly player looking at Kiddie like he was supposed to be a football, feeling shock as he realized Kiddie was indeed NOT a football and then seeing him scared to death and handing Kiddie off like he was a 45,000 degree potato. Yet another reason I should not have kids. What the hell am I supposed to do with a 45,000 degree potato?

Now I must apologize for taking this kid’s story and making it all about me. I am just trying to relate y’all.

Some April Happenings

Well, my little Mavericks had the best record in the NBA this year. I just know they are gonna win the championship this year! * * Look at those shoulders. Mmmmmm. **

I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night on Thursday. I was dreaming I was on the Queen Mary 2 sailing to Europe and I was sitting on the deck listening to the waves and watching the moon reflect off the boundless cool Atlantic with a cashmere blanket and a glass of bubbly. I woke up gasping for air with 4 blankets piled on top of me. My Asthma is heat induced and then being groggy, I took too many puffs off the inhaler and my heart rate shot up and I still couldn’t breathe so Clint called 911. I felt a little better by the time they got there, but I needed some Prednisone and a breathing treatment. There was some good that came out of all the drama. I have found my social recluse of a cat Elwood has blossomed into a social butterfly and was all over the fireman and the paperwork he was filling out, rolling around on the table and sitting in his lap. Anyway, I can breathe again and I feel much much better and for that I am grateful.

I smell like a pit right now. I was out working in my garden and my older neighbors decided to set fire to the dead brush in their yard and the wind just happened to be blowing my way. So, now I am out checking my e-mail and buying some more plants, dirt and this cast iron palm tree door mat that I have been wanting for a year. Check this out – it was $19.99 which was a fair price but I never really had the extra cash when I thought about it. I went yesterday and they were $1.97 so I bought one and if they have another I will get it too. If they weren’t so heavy, I would mail one to Anne as it reminds me of South Carolina. Anyway, I am sitting here and I heard someone ask if something was on fire, then their friend said “We should go camping this summer”. I guess I need to finish up the yard work and then shower and drench myself in Orange Blossom scent. But I am happy to have inspired future vacation plans for someone and bring them closer to nature.

I am off to finish my errands and maybe later inspire people to plant some orange trees.

Over and out.

Dreaming of Football

2 Things here:

1. Last night I watched Friday Night Lights. If you like football, you need to see this. If you don't fathom the establishment of Texas High School Football, this will help you understand.

2. The other night I was dreaming of football. I had taken some Tylenol PM and I was really groggy when I woke up. When I left the NFL, they gave me an official Dallas Cowboys football helmet and I have it on a shelf in my room. I stumbled out of bed, walked over to the shelf and put the helmet on. I didn't take off the paddy things around the chin when I put it on. I sat on the bed while both of my cats sat side by side and gawked at me like I was an alien and then Elwood slapped me in the head and ran under the bed. Isis crawled under the covers.

At the same time, my room mate Clint was up early getting ready to go to the gym. He had on his headphones SO loud, I could sing along with the music in the other room. Unlike me, he has a very 'I am going to conquer the world' attitude first thing in the morning and goes about his business with the intensity of a hurricane. He did not know I was awake.

With my attempt to rehydrate myself, I have been drinking 100+ ounces of water a day. And 2 cups of coffee. It then hit me like a bullet I had to pee. I stood up and tried to remove the helmet from my head. This was a failed attempt and I couldn't get the chin paddy things to snap off. I was bent over stumbling around with my t-shirt (Dallas Cowboys) and panties on while pulling at the astronaut shaped bubble around my head, knocking over the lamp, and watching my cat hiss at me from under the bed. Well, I could not wait any longer, so I went into the bathroom.

For me, bathroom time and hygiene time is MY TIME and I do not wish to be disturbed even if the building is on fire. So, I am sitting there in the dark with my helmet on and Clint with his loud headphones busts through the door. He looks at me while I am silently not looking at him and just pointing toward the door like I am hailing Hitler. He is profusely apologizing and trying to scurry out the door and finally shuts it. And then I hear his headphones stop and the door opens again and he says "What the hell are you doing?" With the straightest face I could muster, I looked at him and said "Nothin". And then he does "All right, now. Bye, Honey", then busts out laughing.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Luck, Wal-Mart, Elvis Mac & Cheese, TV and Commuting

Somebody in my neighborhood won the $105 Million Mega Millions Jackpot on Saturday. This means I am completely screwed now.

* It was not me that won on Saturday.
* What are the chances I would win anyway?
* What are the chances 2 people in the same neighborhood are going to win?

Do you see my plight on this?

I hope it was somebody old. I like it when old people win good stuff.

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I am seriously thinking of renting a car this weekend and going to Wal-Mart. The nearest Super Wal-Mart is 41 miles away. Just down the road by my standards, but they have a ton of tolls.

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If anybody wants my recipe for Elvis Macaroni and Cheese, let me know. I am considering doing a recipe blog, but I don’t know yet. I am a pretty good cook. I would love to have my own restaurant in a small town somewhere. Or a big fat town like New York City. Then I will go global and take over the world with my Southern Food.

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I need a freaking vacation. Something different. Permanent perhaps.

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I am so queezed with TV right now it is not even funny. 24 is a let down this season.

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Let me share with you my daily commute to work.

Right now, I am working right in the center of Times Square.

Astoria – Walk out the front door after petting the kitties. The gas station guy always yells “Good Morning, Ricki!” Pass the bread delivery guy every morning. Buy some gum from the Middle Eastern store of bad habits – they always ask me why I have not won the lotto yet and if I did, would I give them some money. Walk up the stairs to the platform. Talk to Eddie, an older gentleman that sweeps the trains. We talk Texas sports, where I am working, the weather and he always asks about my backyard, as he knows it is a work in progress. He never sweeps but exits the train when the departure announcement is made. Finish Sudoku puzzle by the 3rd stop. Read the Entertainment news. Ride the train to 49th Street stop. Usually light ciggy, but didn’t today - I think I am almost ready to quit. Start dodging the tourists – not so many at this time of day – just the early risers. Refuse the bus tour guys, refuse the Broadway show handouts, flat-out lie to the comedy club guys by replying “No” in a serious fake Tudor-esque British accent when they ask me if I like to laugh, refuse the persistent Christian Scientists, side step all tourists and not wait for the walk signs to say “walk”, ignore the young-ins trying to get into TRL, walk into the Viacom building, see Security guy that always asks “Ricki, where the hell is your ID?” and I say “Where the hell is yours?” Laugh and he just lets me pass.

Times Square – daily ritual afternoon ass-whip. THOUSANDS of wandering gawking tourists. I just want to go home. Pass Batman, the Hooda Hoots (I don’t know what they are called, but it is the Indian band that has lots of flutey things), remind the bus guys I don’t need a tour – I still live here, evade second shift Christian Scientists, avoid comedy pushers, give directions at least twice, take someone’s picture for them, save someone from following the masses of other tourists that don’t know what they are doing and wandering into the street with a cab going by at 60mph, debate stopping for a single malt whisky, have a ciggy instead, finally reach subway. This all takes place within 3.5 blocks.

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Speaking of the Tudor-esque, if you haven't seen Showtime's new series The Tudors, you need to. It is really good. I am not completely daft- I am well aware there is no possible way the Tudors were as hot as the actors portraying them on the show. But it is still completely entertaining.

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That’s all I have to say about that.

My Life With The Circus(s)

I have been to a variety of circuses 4 times in my life. I wouldn’t go now due to the cruelty of animals being reported, but I do have some memories from each time I went.

1. 1976 - I was 5. Momma took me to Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus in Little Rock, AR. I was young but I remember it being a bit chaotic and getting a big coloring book.

2. 1988 - Karen’s Daddy was a Shriner and he got us some passes for Karen and Fanky and I to go when we all worked at Burger’s Lake. It was all wondrous and loud. Karen went to the bathroom when the guys were riding around in the little cars. Here is the conversation that took place in her absence:

All yelling loudly to be heard over the noise -

Ricki: What do Shriners do?!

Fanky: What?!

Ricki: (Yelling louder) WHAT DO SHRINERS DO?

Fanky: They help burned children!

Ricki: What?!

Fanky: (Yelling louder) THEY HELP BURNED CHILDREN!

Ricki: (Paused) THAT’S IT! WE ARE OUTTA HERE!

Fanky then looked bewildered and we were staring at each other with our mouths dropped open. He could not understand why I would want to leave and not support such a noble cause. I could not understand why he or anyone else at the Convention Center would be there in the first place and why nobody was arresting the Shriners as I thought Fanky said “They help burn children.”

3. 1995 - I used to work in Human Resources at Kroger’s headquarters. Kroger was a sponsor for Ringling Brothers stop in Dallas. We got some primo tickets. Anne, Fanky, Colin and I went and we had front row center!

During intermission, we got some snacks. Anne set her nachos near the railing to get situated and they fell off onto the steppy-things the elephants use when they all stand on each others backs. The whole 2nd half, I was beside myself fearing that the elephants would use that step and slip and all of them would fall and break their legs and they would have to be put down. Then I thought what if one of them eats the cheese and is lactose intolerant and then gets affected and ruins it for everyone. Or what if one of those creepy clowns sees the cheese and tells on us and we get thrown out?

All went well and I was completely relieved, except Fanky bought a clown wig and creeped me out all the way back home.

I have a fear of clowns. Think about it – what are they hiding . . . .

4. 1997 - Kathy and I went to London. Our first evening there we were in Piccadilly Circus. It reminds me of Times Square. I remember people kept asking me for directions. Anyway, we went walking and walking and walking for hours. At one point we thought we were just at some park when in fact, we wound up at the Queen’s royal stables. I will never forget that and some day I plan on making it back there. I love getting lost when I am on vacation. Except when Rodney and I got lost in Compton. That was not cool.

Perspectives

I love my family, I do. I mean I love them like sons of bitches. They are driving me crazy from 1,602.84 miles away.

Mamaw is 81 and I miss the shit out of her. I constantly worry about her. When she goes to the the doctor, she tells him partial stories of what is wrong with her. I can never get through on the phone because she always leaves the phone on the cradle in her room at the back of the house.

Momma is sick and refuses to go to the doctor because she doesn't like doctors. I can never get through on the phone because she is always on the Internet and she refuses to let go of AOL.

Daddy needs a kidney transplant and is on dialysis. I can't ever talk to him because he sounds so weak and is so sweet I just want to cry the whole time and I am sure that would be upsetting to him.

Kneeholeon is suffering from a hard break-up. I can't talk to her because she is either asleep or just doesn't answer her phone.

Me, I have asthma and I am doing OK. I owe the tax man tons of money and I can never seem to catch up on things no matter what. Every time I have greatness planned something comes up and all is postponed or completely lost. It is a constant struggle, but I am too stubborn to be defeated, so I just have to keep laughing.

I think of all the bad things sometimes and then I have to reflect on an event that happened to me and it helps.

I moved to New York the second time because I got laid off 3 times in 7 months back in 2001. I was on the verge of losing my good credit I had rebuilt and my Jeep that I cherished. I drove up here in 4 days and had a job the next business day after I got here.

The following week I was to get my first paycheck on Thursday at 4:00. This check would have set straight all my financial burdens. I was walking out the door at 7:45 am Thursday morning and the Jeep was gone. I called the police to report it stolen. I was then informed that my Jeep was in fact NOT stolen, but repossessed. It was taken to a lot in NJ. There was no way for me to get there and I had to catch up on all the payments and fees and the new fees plus the fees for storing my car until I got it out at $125 day. There was no way I could have done all that and I was completely distressed.

I cried all the way to work and I never let 'em see me sweat. I was working at NYU Medical Center in the President's Office at the time. I was pitiful, shamed, embarrassed, worried and sickened. I felt all was lost and my life was surely going down the toilet.

When I got to the hospital there was a kid that was no older than 15 and he was holding the door open for me. I glanced up at him and his whole face was scarred from burns, as were his hands, his arms, his feet, his chest that I could see and his legs. He must have had 80% of his body covered in burns. He looked down and smiled at me as he held the door open.

I decided right then to let my petty worries go. This kid has already suffered so much and his life would not be an easy one, yet he could still afford to smile at a sad looking stranger walking through the heavy door that he was holding.

When life gets bad I think of this and it forces me to put things in perspective. Things could be so much worse and I am truly thankful they are not.

And I have just decided I am going home to see my family next month while they are all still around. The rest can wait.

You Had To Have Been There

I am pretty much alone at work today and I am cracking myself up. Here are some recent cores of my outbursts of laughter.

• A few weeks ago I blogged how my friend found it ungratifying when she threw some clothes around when frustrated. When recently visiting here, she told me she did have a more rewarding experience when she threw a McGriddle. At a protester.
  


• I was reading a review on the newly released movie The Reaping, starring 2 time Oscar winner Hillary Swank. 2 things written by Dan Dunn highly amused me:
  

1. If you were to take “The Omen,” “Rosemary’s Baby,” “The Exorcist” and — what the hell — let’s go with “Stroker Ace,” and throw ’em all in a blender, you’d likely wind up with something an awful lot (and I do mean awful) like “The Reaping.”
   
2. David Morrissey, last seen by seven or so unfortunate filmgoers in “Basic Instinct 2,” is on board as a widower with a dark secret.
   

• When Forrest Gump says, "I'm sorry I fought at your Black Panther party."
  
• The road trip I took with Fanky to New Orleans for Mardi Gras in the Miata. It was one of those spontaneous decisions and a semi-kidnapping on my part. Without many details, here is how the trip went: left out for Mardi Gras. Stopped in Shreveport and won $300 and drank lots of free beer - not enough to get drunk, but enough to fill the bladder. Could not regulate temperature in the car so it was either the heater full blast or the top down - I am an all or nothing kind of girl. After 70 miles of no restroom and full bladders we took an exit, drove back in time, and I unknowingly peed in a swamp. Upon finding out it was indeed a swamp, I screamed, fell back in the car, yelled at Fanky to just Drive! and then cried because I did not want him to see my butt. Got back to present time and found hotel at about 3:30 am. Got up and had breakfast at weird truck stop with people staring and slot machines everywhere that had 0% payout. Got on the road and needed gas. Saw Vegas-style signs for a Super Texaco many miles up road. I decided to push our luck with the needle on Empty. Saw a Texaco with the biggest sign EVER and thought that had to be the one from Vegas, plus I had proof as it was a gas/video store combo. It was made entirely of wood. Got out of car, stretched, went in. Their video store consisted of 2 copies of Wayne's World and that was all. Told Merle I was going to go to the bathroom while he looked for snacks,. The bathroom had the biggest roll of toilet paper I had ever seen. I was about to sit down when i had noticed someone had taken doo-doo and marked down the side of the jumbo roll of toilet paper so you were guaranteed to get tainted t.p. no matter what. Then I looked down to my right and there was a huge hole in the floor for people to view your activities. Busted out found Fanky who looked like he had seen a ghost and was holding a Coors can in his hand. He pointed to the top of it and it was the OLD pull of tabs from the 70's. Then I looked over to my left and the owner of the store was slowly stepping up - he was big and had on overalls with no shirt. I frantically whispered to Fank, "We are gonna have to buy something or we are gonna get killed!" as I picked up a Reese's. Went to the counter which was covered with photos of the owner's recent alligator/catfish hunt. Got in car, warned another couple which had to have thought this was Vegas Texaco by yelling No! Don't Do It! This is not it! Opened my creamy milk chocolaty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup which was now all white and it crumbled in my hand. The next exit we saw The Vegas Texaco. 2 hours to NOLA, we saw a porta potty called Pot O Gold. Got to New Orleans, drank at Irish Pub in the Quarter got sleepy. Tried to find a hotel. Nearest one available was in Longview, Texas or Jacksonville, FL. Drove around most of Southern Mississippi as I did not believe anyone about the hotel room. Slept at La Quinta Hotel - in the parking lot. Since car was only a 2 seater, I woke Fanky up to switch sides every time I wanted to turn over. Had McDonalds for breakfast. Headed back toward Louisiana. Sooooo tired. Drove past New Orleans and stopped in Shreveport for hotel. Slept like babies. Went home.
  

Tuesday Observations and Randomness

I know I can be harsh and brash sometimes, so if you don't like it, then don't read it.

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I have to figure out what I am making for Easter dinner.

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The seal hunt is on in Canada right now. This just breaks my heart. Such cruelty. I cannot imagine taking the life of something so innocent with no remorse at all. Now, there is hardly any ice where the females usually give birth, so they are having to have the babies in the sea and they are drowning. Should they make it to shore then they can look forward to getting their heads bashed in. I am now boycotting all things Canadian - a lot of good that will do since they don't really contribute all that much. They can go fuck themselves with their strong cigarettes and weak dollar for all I care.

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I saw Children of Men the other night. I don't know why all movies about the future have to look dark and grim. This one is no different, but it does have an interesting concept. And Clive is just all eye candy . . .

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I have a deep and serious love for the British male. They are just in a whole different league. The accent and the charm and the pride and James Bond and that unique sense of humor and Aston Martin and the love of pudding - hell, I am getting myself all worked up just listing it all. I am sure this can only be tragic for me, but I just unable to help myself.

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24 is not as good this season as previous seasons. I still cannot quit watching it, but I am somehow able to move around during the hour it is on. I couldn't do that before.

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Passover is in full swing now. I am glad I am not Jewish as their holidays seem to be a lot of work and not much fun. They have a lot of rules and they don't really celebrate as much as they have to focus on their ancestors and repent and I don't know what else. They eat lots of Matzo. I do have a huge appreciation for their heritage being carried down through so many thousands of years and they do know their history. They have some cool stuff too. Their bread rocks and makes good French Toast. They are a race that has been through some tough persecutions for sure. They are not the happiest of people. Bless their hearts.

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My room mate comes in tomorrow morning. He is coming from a 32 hour flight from Perth. I am excited to see him again and I can't wait to hear his stories of home and Phuket.

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The way these chicks up here talk just makes me want to jump from the roof sometimes. It is either that Long Island or New Jersey or Brooklyn accent or it sounds like it is coming from The Valley - something along the lines of Paris Hilton where they use the word LIKE a lot and the sound of their words goes up and down like a roller coaster. They also have the worst conversations as you cannot help but hear them. They are about as deep as as snake is tall while crawling on it's belly, if that. i.e. "I was just sooooo tired and I, like, can't be botherrrred." Neat, huh? I remember talking like that, but only when I was high and grasping for words.

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I can see myself with a backpack, hiking up the Himalayas or speaking Italian or French instructions to grape harvesters on my vineyard behind the chateau before I can can see myself with children. And I have Asthma and I speak atrocious French and no Italian whatsoever. Is that jacked up?

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Words I hate saying: mustard, moist, heinous - sounds like anus and I don't like that word either, tilapia, Dostoevsky, oxygen, oil, wild, panties, malnourished, tulip, squirrel, queer, shrimp, and Vladimir Putin.

Words I really like to say: insufferable, kindling, well hell, sprite, pecan, kitlin, moors, zesty, werewolf, idiot, Mississippi, historically, bonsoir, lily, mum, queezed, fire, Saxon, mop and words I make up on a daily basis.

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I am not as awful as I sound. I just don't like to sugarcoat anything.

Rough TV

You know how you had shows you watched when you were little kids and you have not seen them in a long while, but the memory of them still remains fresh and innocent in your mind? Yeah, well, you should just keep it that way and don’t ruin it!

When Anne came to see me a few weeks ago, we were talking about the Little Rascals and how we used to love watching it as little kids. Then she had asked if I had watched it recently and no, I have not. She said it is sooooo different then what she remembers it being as a child. As children, we thought it was funny. As an adult I found it unbelievably politically incorrect and horrifically violent.

Kirsten, My People from Texas that lives up here, came over for a Girls’ Sunday Afternoon and I had gotten The Best of Our Gang; The Little Rascals through Netflix having just talked about it. We were stunned.

The group of kids were sure cute, but I found them to be complete shit-starters. Now here is what horrified me: the gang managed to jump on the bad guy and tied a rope around his legs. Then, they proceeded to drag him across the field and the TV showed the route in front of him so you would know what was coming. Basically, what I am saying is, they dragged his nuts over broken glass and a board with nails sticking out the top of it. I was expecting at any minute for one of them to roast his nuts over hot coals and then cut them off with a machete and then force feed them to him at gunpoint with a noose around his neck standing at the gallows while the rest of the kids threw rotten veggies at him, but luckily that did not happen.

Another episode was called The Wild Man from Borneo. It started out with this whitified family saying the kids’ uncle who was the black sheep of the family was in town. So the kids set out to meet their uncle who turned out to be a cannibal black guy dressed up in Native African garb with the mentality of a seven year old that loved candy and could only say “Yum! Yum! Eat 'em up! Eat 'em up!” when candy was present. Of course the kids thought he was saying that because The Wild Man From Borneo wanted to eat them, being a cannibal and all, and didn’t even think he was after Stimey the black kid with the big hat who had a bag full of candy. So the chase went on and on and on.

Anne told me about the last episode she saw where Buckwheat was dreaming he had won a lot of money. In his dream he drove up in a huge white Cadillac filled with fried chicken and watermelon.

Now these are classics we grew up with and America loved and still claims to love even today. So, I do not want to hear anybody bitching about what is on TV now, because the Little Rascals started it all. There is stuff on there that cable would not have the balls to air.

So, when you are feeling the world is turning to shit, rent Our Gang. We have a LONG way to go as a society, but you can see some areas in which we have vastly improved.